A General Feeling of … blah

Hello, friends and family! It’s been some time since I posted anything of a personal nature. The blog was kinda buggin’ me to give it some TLC. You know, dropping in on some random dreams, saying “blog” instead of my wife’s name at inopportune moments. I have also been somewhat of a hypocrite as I’ve been getting on Rachel’s case for a bit to update her blog. So to address these concerns, made up or not, I have this to offer.

Over the past months, I’ve been witness to some family drama that actually doesn’t involve me. As relieving as that is, I have still felt very burdened by it all. I don’t intend to drop names or call out any specifics, I just want to lay some groundwork. I have felt some degree of uneasiness since Rachel and I decided to move to California all those years ago. That feeling has ebbed and waned as life has continued, usually in sync with how my personal life felt like it was going. Generally, the magnitude of the negative feelings would increase directly with how I felt about my current professional status. I felt the greatest when I was working at Intel. I LOVED working there! It had plenty of opportunity to grow, progress and experiment with different things. I had begun, though, to grow quite weary of living in Sacramento. Even after moving a few times to different areas of town, I still wasn’t happy. Yes, I loved my job, yes I earned my degree at college, yes, we brought Wyatt into our family. I really had blessings coming out my ears while we lived there. Things that would have certainly not happened had we stayed in Washington. I would not trade my time in California for anything.

We then had the opportunity for another major move. This time, Intel had our back and financed the transition. In December of 2005, we arrived here, in Utah. The idea was that it was considerably cheaper to operate our business from Utah than California. We setup a small team here and it was to grow and expand. They did more research and found that it was even cheaper to operate from Costa Rica. We knew fairly early that our days were numbered. A couple months later, we were able to get a house! Things were just rockin’! Then, I got another great chance to shine when I was sent to Costa Rica for five weeks to train our eventual replacements. I put that aside and gave it my best effort. I even made some great friends there who I still keep in touch with. It was a fantastic experience! Back at home, Rachel was stricken with a severely injured ankle. This turned into a much more debilitating fiasco that I still feel horrible about.

I really wanted to focus on my feelings. As time at Intel was winding down, so was my emotional level. Feelings again of missing home were creeping in. Then in November of 2006, an event shook me to the very core. My Father died from a brain tumor. Through that year, we had been able to take multiple trips to Washington to visit and take care of family. As I had mourned my loss and began rebuilding things emotionally, we got notice that our last day at Intel would be in July of 2007. Moving through a couple jobs in the next 6-8 months was ok. I was trying myself out. I then landed my current job in March of 2008. I was pretty excited. A small, privately and locally owned technology company promised a lot of potential for growth and development. As a year went by with none of this motion, I started itching again for something. Immediately, my thoughts returned home, to Washington. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been dealing with this family issue. Here’s the skeleton of what’s happening. My Mom lives by herself in our family home. It has it’s problems, specifically sewage and drainage. Every 2-4 years, the main pump dies and it’s a heck of a monster to fix. My youngest brother is on his mission in Cleveland and has no way to help. My older sister is 5 hours away in Spokane and has very limited availability. My other brother lives about 20 minutes away from my mom and while he has a job and his own family of four kids to be there for, he’s the one my mom can go to.

I told my brother that I don’t envy his position in this. It’s a heavy load to carry. But it’s the way it is and he should be able to work things out. Because of these issues my kin are having, I have consistently wished that I could be there to help. In some way. My problem is that we don’t have the financial wherewithal to make these trips. As it stands the only time that we will be able to go is in February, when my brother gets home from his mission.

I am so frustrated and sad. Mom’s made her visits here and there so it’s not so much that I miss her. I can’t find a really good way to define it other than Washington is home and I miss it horribly. It’s been nearly 8 years since I’ve lived there and almost 3 years since I’ve visited. I want to go home. Thank Heaven that I have Rachel! If I didn’t have her or had someone else, we would have gone bankrupt several times. Yes, I should have a job secured before we move. Yes, we need to be able to sell our house. We can’t just up and go. As spontaneous as I would like to be, it’s not wise nor is it practical. Rachel came again to my rescue and brought to my attention something I had neglected for quite sometime – personal prayer. I realized it had been a very long time since I offered a personal prayer to my Father in Heaven. I am now doing this and asking for guidance and direction. I’m starting to feel my feelings and thoughts come together and connect. This time, my sweet, eternal wife was my example. Thank you, sweetie!

I would like to request your faith and prayers on our behalf. I feel like we should return to Washington. I feel like that is the right decision. I just need to know when it’s the right time. I’m out of time at the moment and I want to publish this. I may be adding on to this or just write a follow up later. Thanks for taking a moment to read this and thanks for your faith and prayers, in advance.



6 Replies to “A General Feeling of … blah”

  1. I’m sorry that you’re feeling conflicted, Tim. It’s never fun. I’m going through a mess in my life so I can sympathize. You and your family will be in my thoughts…and whatever you decide I know will be right for you and your family.

  2. I think it would be cool if you moved back. I really, really think you should have a job in place before coming. I would say for you and rachel to apply like crazy to anything and everything. When the time is right, you will know because everything would work out. If nothing comes up, then the time isn’t right. Just my thoughts. Good luck~

  3. While I aprreiciate you sharing your feelings about our family’s situations I need to remind you of one thing about this. Whenever we are in troubling times we have learned that with prayer, hard work and a whole lot of patience things always seem work out for the better. It is the hope we have. I love you. Mom

  4. The more time I put into this my quandary is why is living close to me such a burden. I work hard not to be a burden to any of my children and you know this Tim. I’m just saying…

    1. Mom, I wouldn’t say that burden is the right word to use. Anyone who is in a family, has the “burden” or responsibility to be available and take care of things that may arise. Family should never be a burden. But Joe has the extra responsibility and duty to be there for you. It does inconvenience him, I’m sure. But it’s just the way it has to be for the time being. You shouldn’t consider yourself a burden, but a labor of love. Don’t get down about this. It’s all about Joe’s attitude and how he accepts this opportunity to serve and to love.

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